Once in a while, in conversation someone tells me that there was this one book or movie that changed their life. I could never relate. I would read the same book or watch the same movie they recommended and like it, but not immediately transformed as they did. For some people, reading or watching life-changing content oftentimes never leaves the impact it should have on them. Perhaps because we never linger on the content.
I recently began to internalize what I read or watched by speaking or writing about it. Eventually, the ideas began to stick and become something more in my life.
So it only makes sense that I write and reflect as I read the book “Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty. Even my therapist, who has read the book before, mentioned that the book is a lot to digest. I hardened my resolve, with my post-its and pen within arms reach, as I turned to the first page. Throughout the book, there are exercises for you to complete as you read. One of them was to write a letter of forgiveness.
Jay writes about the importance of forgiveness and the need for it to give us peace of mind. I didn’t disagree with a word he said. Instead, I couldn’t help but appreciate as he broke down forgiveness into different stages: zero forgiveness for someone no matter what, conditional where you forgive only if they apologize, transformational is when you forgive without expecting anything in return, and lastly unconditional is when you forgive no matter what they do.
He acknowledges that he only wishes us to achieve transformational. Since unconditional is often what we see in a parent-to-child relationship. However despite having addressed forgiveness in therapy, I was surprised to find that when I tried to write my letter, despite vaguely remembering the things this person had done, I still had not and do not wish to forgive this person. This wasn’t ego talking. It was something different.
When I began therapy at 16, I discovered that I had tried to brainwash myself into believing I had forgiven the extreme bullying that had happened during my childhood. Mainly because my parents used to tell me that I would succeed in life by not caring about my bullies. The way to do that was to forgive them and move on. As a result, I forced myself to empathize with my bullies and try to think from their shoes even though the reality was, I was no where ready for that. I hadn’t even dealt with my own scars when I found myself trying to understand theirs. I got the concept right, but I didn’t take into account the importance of the process.
What ended up happening was a lot of that buried pain exploded. I realized through therapy, the truth was, I not only hadn’t forgiven them, but I also hated them for what they had done to me.
When I sat down to write this letter of forgiveness many years later now, I no longer hate them. I’m at peace since those scars have healed. However, I still found that I could not write the letter. Because I still could not truly forgive them. Even if I understand rationally where they were coming from.
And I think that is imperative. To understand that I’m human and emotions can’t be controlled like I had tried to do when I was a child. That there is no exact stage to define how I feel since humans are grey, not black and white.
Trying, was what mattered. I tried to write the letter of forgiveness and I will continue to try. But most importantly I wanted to be honest with myself which is most important in a self-growth journey. If you can’t be honest to yourself, is it truly your journey… or someone else’s.
Achieving transformational forgiveness gives peace of mind. But achieving peace of mind doesn’t happen easily. In that case, keep trying to forgive. Although, not being able to forgive doesn’t make you a bad person. However, it does mean you’re not the best version of yourself yet and that’s okay. Since that’s the point of a self-growth journey.
Try writing your letter of forgiveness today and see where it takes you.
Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash
