I have been relatively happy these past few months. Yet, simultaneously I would also define them as a struggle. I have had a difficult time defining these confusing emotions to my therapist. One week I was blaming my lack of routine to be the culprit for why I’m feeling this strange empty feeling. But then the following week, I would say it’s because I need to change jobs because maybe I’m just over my current one. The list would go on.
There’s this assumption that people who talk about personal growth have it all figured out. Especially someone that’s blogging about it. I can say that is completely untrue. I might have perhaps only 45% out of 100 figured out. Honestly, I’m still figuring out my ‘why’ behind my choice to blog. Initially, it was to have a side hustle. Next, it was to record everything I learned, along with my trials and successes. Following that, it was to teach others what I learned. However, none of these have felt like the real reason why I truly wanted to create this space here.
Of course, that makes things difficult because when I tell people I’ve fallen into a rut for my blog – they tell me to go back to the original reason why I decided to create it. How do I tell them – I honestly don’t know. Just when I thought I was becoming more sure of who I am, I suddenly feel lost at the answer to that very question. Who was I? What do I truly want?
One of the flaws of consistently being in a growth mindset is that I often forget the things I’m already good at and forget to celebrate my achievements. I instead focus far too much on my weaknesses and what I lack. Having a growth mindset is life-changing. But as always there are two sides to every coin. Too much of anything is never good.
So because I felt internally stagnant recently, it became a perfect time as usual to harp on my weaknesses and flaws. My conversation would often steer to the fact, that I lacked having a passion or purpose in life. Each time I tried something new to fill that gap or emptiness, it felt like trying to itch your back but not really getting it.
Then my therapist said something I hadn’t expected – “I think you’re going through your phase of self-actualization.”
It clicked the minute she said it. She was right. I know, I know. Labels are not the best. However, finally being able to label this weird feeling made me almost relieved.
This is when I learned about self-actualization.
To explain shortly – self-actualization is based on Maslow’s hierarchy. In this hierarchy, people first achieve their physiological needs which are basic needs such as food, water, or shelter. Next, once people fulfill these needs, they then look for safety through security and stability. After they achieve safety, they begin to seek and want relationships that provide them with a sense of belonging and love. Once they have relationships that provide them with these feelings, they begin to aim for self-esteem which often happens naturally after healthy relationships. An individual begins to respect themselves and others. And lastly, we end with self-actualization where one discovers their full potential.
Subconsciously, I was getting triggered because I had achieved everything in Maslow’s hierarchy except for self-actualization. Even though everything in my life was going well -my job, health, social life, and more – I naturally began to feel the urge for something more. I was perfectly happy – yet lost as to why I was feeling simultaneously unhappy. I did not know that was possible till now and my therapist finally gave me the answer.
Perhaps that’s why I tried my hand at blogging again. To try to fill in that missing gap. That perhaps by creating this space, I could reach my full potential through my blog. However, I don’t know if this is the answer yet. I still feel unsettled as I write this because it may not be. It also doesn’t help that it brings out my insecurities since blogging requires many skills that I used to consider myself weak in.
I never considered myself a great writer or see myself as a creator. However, I do see that by putting myself in this uncomfortable situation from the comfort of my room, matcha in hand – there is a lesson to be learned here somewhere.
I have always loved being in a content state. However, I have to keep reminding myself that being uncomfortable is meant to make me grow. That wanting more despite having everything necessary, is human nature and completely normal. However, that is exactly when you have to teach yourself to balance between that ‘want’ for more and being grateful for what you already have.
Photo by Lena Kudryavtseva on Unsplash
