I’ve always known my gut instinct was terrible. It’s never on point and religiously incorrect most of the time. When my gut instinct tells me to go right, I’m most likely supposed to have turned left. Which is why I usually choose to think with my head, even when it came to relationships. Or trust google maps, even if it leads me off a cliff. But the irony as I sat at a cafe filled with tall plants reaching the ceiling and flowers decorated everywhere, I could not help but appreciate the location this boy chose for our first date. Per my dear friend, beautiful cafes were my love language. And my gut was sending me all the right signals.
This was my first date in several months and one I made great effort to keep secret. I no longer wanted to feel pressure to be in a relationship by everyone around me, whom thought I would inevitably die all alone.
My date arrived, his back hunched over from a long day at work, as he looked for me among everyone in the cafe. He was everything I would not have thought would cause my brain to go haywire. Yet the minute he sat down, my brain sent me a signal that this is the one I was going to marry.
I was shocked, to say the least. I had never experienced such a thought or emotion before – usually detached when dating. Hence why I’m always usually single. However, I could not help but feel my heart begin to race as I wondered if this is what everyone talks about when they say they knew their partner was the one when they first met. Our first date ended fantastically which almost solidified our interest in one another.
On our second date, things took a deeper turn. My date began to mention that he’s looking for his soulmate and that he had a detailed 3 year plan for marriage and kids. I was overwhelmed, no longer being able to form words clearly. I had never thought of marriage or kids as I was younger then him. My only goal at the moment, which I told him on our first date, was to relocate to a new country to experience new things.
Yet, I thought whatever his plan was and even if it didn’t align with my plan, it would work out. My gut was telling me that he’s the one I’m going to marry. Of course. if he’s the one, naturally everything works out like in movies. Right? Nevertheless, I had so many expectations for something so new despite the different timelines. Something I had never done before.
After our second date, he flew to a different state to visit his family. While he was there for a week or two, we lost touch. The feeling of being disappointed at not getting a text from him was also new. I was usually the one not texting in relationships. But I gave him space since he was with family.
He called me the day he arrived back in NYC. He was adamant to get on a call with me immediately. I pick up the phone giddy with excitement hoping to reconnect. Instead he breaks the news to me like ripping of the bandaid, he said in his own words. His family had arranged his marriage without him knowing. They already began looking for a house for him to move into in the same town where the rest of his family lives.
Deep down, I was not surprised. I was born and raised in NYC myself, yet being part of two very different cultures has always been confusing. Just like how this would be absurd in an American family. Yet, his story seemed like a common ending in an immigrant families culture. And so he began his sad account of how his family means everything to him. Out of guilt he had to say yes because he had never been the perfect son they had wanted.
I’ve always struggled dating people from my own/parents culture for my personal bias and seeing how relationships, at least the one’s surrounding me, are all unhappy despite both partners being from the same religion and culture. The odds are not in my favor every time as I reflected in trying to find someone that would get what it’s like being a Muslim south asian individual in NYC. Because sometimes they get it too much and that same identity becomes the obstacle.
As he was telling his story- my bias and negativity got stronger. This was my second attempt at dating someone that was also muslim and south asian and his family being the reason why we ended it. Even though everything aligned between us – it was not enough. His parents had a more detailed checklist.
The interesting part is that family is my first priority as well. I also understood the pressures in an immigrant family. Even more the reason why I could only be sympathetic to this boy. While simultaneously realizing that my gut instinct had again failed me terribly. He was not the one.
The person who I thought was the one was still a boy growing up and figuring out how to supplement his guilt for his parents, at the cost of his marriage. He was not the man for me. But I couldn’t help but feel sad of my expectations falling apart.
Even though my gut instinct was off the mark, I felt reassured by a dear friend. In his words – that boy could have been one of the many ‘ones’ out there for me, and what I felt could have been true. But his decisions changed that possible future between us. I’m not sure why, but I felt more comforted by those words then others. It made me feel a little more in control of my life in a weird way, knowing that I can change my own path with a small or big decision – not at the complete mercy of fate.
Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
